


All That Evil Needs

by tielan



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Character of Color, Episode: s05e02 Threshold, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, episode epilogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-03-22
Updated: 2003-03-22
Packaged: 2017-11-03 23:44:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/387287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tielan/pseuds/tielan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of the Rite of Mal Shari’im, Teal’c considers his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That Evil Needs

**Author's Note:**

> Teal’c isn’t usually the angsty type in fics, possibly becos he’s so stoic in canon – and probably the least-represented in fanon. I figured the Jaffa may not be quite like humans in emotional openness, but they have feelings as Teal’c has repeatedly shown throughout the series – and if they have feelings, they gotta have some angsty moments! Likewise, Sam isn’t usually the chosen comforter when Teal’c’s in a pickle, although I’m not quite sure why that is. Anyway, I’m looking forward to some great Teal’c-Sam interaction in Season Six!

_“All that evil needs to flourish is for good men to remain silent.”_

He has tried to achieve _kel no reem_ for hours to no avail.

The peace he requires to achieve the meditative healing state eludes him.

Instead, before him flash the faces of the dead and the living, and his guilt presses down upon him like a stone.

There are those whose blood lies heavy on his hands.

The men and women he executed at the edict of his god. He knew Apophis to be cruel and malicious, and yet in fear for his life and the lives of his wife and child, he obeyed.

There are those he failed.

Va’lar who led the unsuccessful attack to retake the world claimed by Ra. Va’lar who was condemned to death by Apophis. Teal’c let him go free, only to be forced to later destroy his friend as he attacked the village where Va’lar had taken refuge.

There are those he forsook.

Weak and helpless people died as he carried out his orders – those who had no protection against Apophis’ invasion of their planets and homes. In his heart he knew the responsibility of the strong was to protect the weak, yet he used the strength of his master to subdue the helpless.

Why did he act other to what he truly believed in his heart?

Fear.

He struggled with his fear for many years – the years he served Apophis. Fear for his life, for his wife and child; fear of the new thoughts and beliefs that strayed into his head.

Teal’c obeyed where he had to, and took no joy in it. He did terrible things to preserve his life, but in doing them could not preserve the integrity of his soul.

While he bent the will of his ‘god’ as much as he dared, he could not always manipulate it enough to grant mercy where it was needed. Before him appears the face of the lame man of Cartego, and the son he left behind. Hanno of Cartego may have forgiven Teal’c the evil he did, but Teal’c does not forgive himself.

How right Bra’tac was when he told his protégé of the burden that would weigh heavily upon him! _I have done deeds for which I cannot forgive even myself. As will you._

And perhaps the greater evil is that, knowing the evil he served – even mitigated by the good he performed amidst it – Teal’c advanced a cause he knew to be wrong.

He has tried to do reparation for the evil he caused while in Apophis’ service. From accepting the judgement of the Cartegans in ‘Cor-Ai’ – their court of justice - to fighting tooth and nail against the Goa’uld. Yes, Teal’c fights for the freedom of his people. Yet he also fights for the absolution of his soul.

There are those he betrayed.

When he closes his eyes, he sees in his mind’s eye their faces. There is shock and disbelief as they look at him. He denied O’Neill’s claims of friendship and watched the flash of hurt cross the other man’s face. He saw the fear in Major Carter’s eyes as he aimed the staff weapon at her, the mingled ‘will-he-won’t-he?’ expression so clearly read on her features. Daniel Jackson bold of mind and heart, challenged him to consider the possibility of brainwashing, but there was concern in his eyes as Teal’c slapped the panel to close the door. Concern for Teal’c.

He was their friend, yet he was made to believe them the enemy.

What kind of slave returns to the slavery he loathed?

He is a warrior! A warrior who has tasted freedom from the false religion and empty worship of the Goa’uld who call themselves ‘gods’. He has served with these Tau’ri who have become his friends for nearly five years. Yet, when his friends needed him, he deserted them. Were it not for their skill and strength, the assistance of Jacob, and a healthy dose of luck, they would be dead – either by the hand of Apophis, or the replicators.

And yet his friends have forgiven him.

Standing around him, they refused to leave even as he spewed curses at them, and threatened them with violence and retribution. His self-satisfied taunts fell on ears deaf to the implications of his menacing words, but not deaf to the voice that uttered them.

They accepted him back when the rite of Mal Shari’im was concluded, relief and pleasure clear in their faces at his restoration. General Hammond reinstated him, with O’Neill’s hearty recommendation.

But while they have forgiven him, Teal’c cannot forgive himself for his failure to resist Apophis’ mental shackles. He cannot forget the things he did while under the illusion that Apophis was his god.

His betrayal revolts him to the core of his being. He gave into Apophis’ brainwashing, allowing himself to believe the lies of the Goa’uld.

 _I hope one day to restore your faith in me, General Hammond._ Old words of many years before.

The first time those words were spoken, it was as an oath to both the General and himself. He swore fealty to a man who would give Teal’c orders which he could execute without the destruction of his soul.

This time, when those words were uttered, it was a mockery of Teal’c’s previous oath of allegiance. His face had been smiling, but in his heart had been nothing but deceit.

Such thoughts are unpleasant and unwelcome. These people have become closer to him than his own family. He left his wife and son behind when he joined this cause and although they and the freedom of his people are always in his thoughts, he has never looked back as long as his friends were by his side.

The door pushes open quietly.

Major Carter has come to look in on him.

He was not expecting her. Rather, he expected Daniel Jackson or O’Neill to come. It is more customary for his male teammates to come and attempt to ‘cheer him up’ when a situation is grim. O’Neill can be particularly insistent when he feels Teal’c requires a morale booster.

However, Teal’c is not presently of a desire to be ‘cheered up’, which is why he is glad it is Major Carter who looks in on him.

“Major Carter.”

Entering the room, she slips neatly through the maze of candles on floor and table to a space on the floor. “I expected to find you in _kel no reem_ , Teal’c.”

“I am finding it difficult. My thoughts are not peaceful.”

She understands his plight immediately, comprehending the state of his mind and his emotions. Her words are gentle: “I think you’re harder on yourself than you need to be, Teal’c.”

“You could have died through my betrayal.”

“We didn’t.” She states the words with quiet assurance.

“It has been suggested before that my presence on SG-1 endangers you.” In his right mind, Teal’c knows he would never do anything to harm his friends; but under Apophis’ influence, he threatened them with implantation, endangered their lives, and taunted their friendship. At the conclusion of the Rite, he asked for reinstatement to SG-1, to rejoin his friends in the fight against the Goa’uld. General Hammond granted him permission with a broad smile, but in the intervening hours doubt has crept into Teal’c, eating away at his certainty that his place is beside his friends.

“Then they’re wrong.” Her voice carries conviction like thin steel woven into a cloth mesh. “You’ve proven yourself to us time and time again.”

“Yet I did not help you on the hat’arc.”

“You were brainwashed, Teal’c.” Her words are matter-of-fact. “You weren’t yourself.”

“That is no defence for my actions.”

“No. It’s a reason for your actions.” Major Carter looks steadily at him. She has an expressive face, which her training in the service of her country has required her to learn to control. She does not control it now. “Do you remember when Daniel became addicted to the sarcophagus and nearly shot the Colonel?”

“I do.”

“Daniel had no defence against his actions – yes, he trained a gun on the Colonel – but he wasn’t the man he usually is. It was still Daniel, but without some of the characteristics, the inhibitions in his personality that make him the man we knew. He didn’t have any defence against his actions – do you remember the guilt he went through afterwards for what he said and did? – but we had a reason for his actions, and so it wasn’t as difficult as it might have been for us to forgive him and accept him back.”

Teal’c can see where this is going although he cannot agree. Not yet.

“What I’m saying is that when Apophis had you under his…control, or spell, or whatever it was, you weren’t the man we knew.”

“Jaffa.” The correction is automatic, and she smiles.

“We don’t hold the things you did on that ship against you, because you weren’t yourself.”

“And if such a situation arises again where my loyalties come under question?”

“Then we’ll handle it then.” The blue eyes look into his own and he reads there the belief in him. “We trust you, Teal’c. General Hammond trusts you. Whatever else anyone may say, his opinion – and ours as your team-mates – is the one which ultimately counts to keep you on SG-1. And if you think that the Colonel, Daniel, or I would let you leave us without a great deal of protest, then you don’t know us as well as you think you do.” Her lips curve a little. “Between the Colonel and Daniel you wouldn’t get a moment’s peace until you agreed to come back to us.”

And as she smiles, Teal’c knows it wouldn’t be just O’Neill and Daniel Jackson persuading him to remain.

This is the passion and fire that burns beneath Major Carter’s quiet, studious exterior. She – like their other two team-mates – is intensely protective and fiercely loyal where she chooses to be. And she chooses to be so now, in reassurance towards Teal’c – towards the doubts and fears he holds for himself and his team.

But a small seed of uncertainty still remains.

His past is shrouded to his team-mates. They know whom he served and can guess at what he did in that service, but Teal’c would be glad if Daniel Jackson and Major Carter never knew the full weight of those terrible acts he performed to keep his life through those decades. O’Neill understands, for Teal’c has seen the same expression in the eyes of his friend many times before. There are things O’Neill has done which stain his soul, and yet he fights on.

As does Teal’c.

And yet… “Major Carter, I have done things in the service of Apophis for which I cannot forgive myself. I am not the man you and Daniel Jackson believe me to be.”

She thinks this over for a long moment, the pale eyes fixing him steadfastly, seeing his guilt of his past in his eyes; but she does not turn from him.

“I think you are the man we believe you to be, Teal’c.” She pauses, watching his response, before she adds: “Daniel says: ‘All that evil needs to flourish is for good men to remain silent.’”

It is a quotation Teal’c has heard their friend speak of before.

Teal’c agrees.

Yes, Apophis was evil, as are all the Goa’uld. For years, Teal’c served that evil, remaining silent when he could have spoken out. Reaping harvests of blood when he could have been sowing seeds of hope and rebellion. Aiding his master and his master’s kind – the kind he came to loathe with every fibre of his being.

Through those years, Teal’c remained silent, and many suffered.

The Major has been following his thoughts. She speaks now, but her words are unexpected: “Whatever you did in your past, Teal’c, you’re a good man.” Perhaps she has picked up on his earlier train of thought for she adds, “As is Colonel O’Neill. You’ve both done terrible things under the orders of the people you served – made choices which weren’t the ones you wanted to make, but which were better than the alternatives. But you also both chose the harder path. You chose to make those tough choices and take the consequences – personal and professional – upon yourself, so someone else unsuited to making such decisions didn’t have to do it. Or so someone without a conscience – without such a honed sense of right or wrong didn’t end up leading good men and women blindly to their deaths.”

Listening to her words, Teal’c considers that the woman who sits before him, warrior to the core of her soul, is much like him and O’Neill. Much like him, O’Neill, and Daniel Jackson. She, too, would take the harsh duties upon herself to spare someone less suited. Perhaps that is what forges them together, disparate and different as they are, the unity of purpose and innermost core of being.

“Teal’c, Apophis may have flourished while you served him, but since you left him, he’s lost everything he once had. His power, his prestige, his followers, and his life.”

To that, he has nothing to say. His rejection of Apophis as a god may not have been the key element of the Goa’uld’s downfall, but it played _some_ part. If nothing else it was the sign that Apophis’ time had come to an end.

“You _are_ a good man, Teal’c. We trust you and we’ll continue to trust you.” There is no doubting the intensity of her words, and with that intensity comes belief.

“Your trust means much to me, MajorCarter.” As does her friendship and her faith in his friendship.

“And your acceptance of it means much to me, Teal’c.” She smiles. “Try _kel no reem_ again and get better.”

“I shall.” He inclines his head and she rises gracefully from the floor. As she turns back at the door, her eyes hold no doubts, only calm confidence in her friend; and the door closes quietly and firmly behind her smile.

And as he settles back into his pose, peace comes to Teal’c at last.


End file.
